A Story of Lose

I lost my cell phone charger (the one I use in the house) right after Rita left to go back to Green River. Rita is my sister-in-law who lives in Green River. She took care of my mother for a long time and became my very close friend when my brother lost his battle with prostrate cancer. She had been here to visit with Tim and me and my mom. I was sure she had picked up my charger by mistake and left hers. A few months ago, I lost my Utah State sweatshirt--the pullover one with the short zipper and stand-up collar. I like to wear it with my jeans because it is long enough to cover the fat rolls around my waist. I have lost all of my house keys so I have to rely on the garage door opener. It is funny though, I have a multitude of house keys but none of them fit any of the doors in my house.



I just lost half of this blog (the best half, of course) because the network here at school had a hiccup. I guess that's what I get for blogging on school time. I never can re-create a piece of writing once it has been written so I'll just jump to the next part.



I've lost my favorite blue sock, my gift certificate to the spa, telephone numbers, and even my cell phone. Once I lost Jazz tickets that Barbara and I bought for Blaine and Kent for Christmas. I lost a whole set of squares that I had cut for Christmas quilts and the pattern to use to cut some more. I no longer have a full set of earrings because I have lost either one or both of each of those. I've lost money. When I was in NY, I left over $300.00 in the rental car. When I called to see if they had found it, they searched the car (????), but could not find it. After very little grief, I decided that none of these things were that important or they could be replaced. (I did eventually find the Jazz tickets and the spa certificate.)



When I heard from Douglas that Stephen Max was gone, at first I wasn't too upset. Not having touched the top of his feet or stroked the soft top of his head or smelled his fresh baby smell, he wasn't really real to me yet so he wasn't really lost. I worried for Stephanie and sorrowed for Douglas but I was too involved with things unimportant--those things that always seem to get in the way of life. Sunday morning I started to weep. Grandson 11 was not to be. Another some (not thing) one was lost. Stephen joins Cody John Austin (2-year old child of Blaine and Carol), Thora Barbara Rasmussen (mother to Blaine), Blaine Lester Austin (husband to me and father of my children), Leonard Dean Jewkes (brother to Carol), Lester Austin (father to Blaine), Leonard Kay Jewkes (father to Carol), Lynn Langer-Meeks (best friend and mentor to Carol). I know that losing is part of living, but it doesn't get any easier. But life does go on. We all continue to take in air, the weather changes, the grass grows and William Cole and Bevan John still know how to laugh and have fun when everyone around them are indulging grief. Katie Marie's voice rings beautiful and clear on a rainy Saturday morning. I don't think I will even admit that losing someone is a blessing but I will claim that my loses have helped me appreciate what is not lost and discover what is truly important--home, family, friends, and love.

(I have tried to write this for a long time--before we lost Stephen, but it just isn't working. I'm going to post it anyway then go on to something new.)